


I can't sleep

by ryanismyname



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Gen, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-09
Updated: 2013-07-09
Packaged: 2017-12-18 07:09:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/877038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryanismyname/pseuds/ryanismyname
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave has trouble sleeping and reflects on what he has become.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't sleep

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been depressed lately and have started cutting again so I decided to channel some of my feelings into fanfics so heres this. Its doesn't really have much of a story its just kind of me rambling as dave. sorry this is bad.

You don't do it because you want to die. No not really. You just don't know any other way. You just sort of crave the release it provides. That small moment. Sometimes you get a little fuzzy in the head. Sometimes you cry. Its one of the only things you truly enjoy. The shameful kind of enjoyment. Like a catholic girl who pleasures herself and cries because she thinks god could never love her. You doubt that god loves you either. Sometimes it seems like no one loves you. You know thats not true though. Your friends love you. Bro loves you. Thats why you could never do it. Never kill yourself. You wouldn't want any pain to come to those you love. Thats why you could never tell them. Never tell them. Never let your scars show. Never let them know how fucked up you really are. 

You haven't been able to fall asleep lately. You lie in your bed with your eyes closed and all you can think is how ugly you are and how no one ever pays attention to you. Little lies. Little lies that tempt you with subtle smiles and grotesque beauty. Beauty. One thing you can never truly attain. No one has ever told you that you were beautiful. at least not that you can remember. You know that if anyone ever told you you were beautiful it would be a lie. You can never be beautiful. You have too many scars, too many blemishes, too many ugly freckles. You do admit that sometimes freckles are kind of cute. Not on you though. Sometimes you look in the mirror while standing in your underwear. Point out every little flaw. You pick at every blemish. Pick at every scar. Scratch at every imperfection. People say that guys never think about how they look. You know thats not true.

Your phone buzzes next to you. Its just John saying hey. You wish you could be with him. Not romantically. Not sexually. Just sit next to him and know that he's there. He's your best friend but sometimes you're not sure if he even exists. You wish you could see him inthe flesh but Bro wont let you go see him. Says you need to focus on school. You know Bro is probably right. Your grades haven't been so great lately. John gets good grades. He's a good kid. He has friends at his school. He hangs out with his dad. He has a girlfriend. John has his shit straight. You dont. Your grades are bad. You dont have any friends aside from your internet friends. Your relationship with Bro is rocky at best. You're a closeted gay boy who isn't the least bit fabulous. You glance back at your phone. Its midnight. You decide to let John think you're sleeping. You set your phone to silent. 

You lay back on your bed. You look up at the popcorn celing and trace patterns with your eyes. Theres a baby crying alone. A clown hiding behind a plastered smile. A cow jumping over the moon. Cherubim laughing gleefully. You close your eyes and try to relax. Swirls dance behind you eyes teasing sleep but never giving in. You wait. You sit up with your eyes open. You hear Bro shuffle on his futon in the living room. You vaugly wonder if you had any homework due tomorrow. You decide it doesn't matter and you lay back down. You shuffle around under your blanket. You lie silently for a few moments, hoping that sleep will find you and sweep you away. 

You wake up with tears in your eyes. You dont remember what you were dreaming about. You check your phone. its 3 in the morning. You only slept for about 2 and a half hours. You feel fully rested so you get up and sit at your desk. You turn on your computer. You look at your blog. Nothings changed since you last checked it. No one even reads your blog. You sigh. You just sit and think. Maybe you should kill yourself. You can't though. You couldn't handle the guilt. Maybe you should cut. Sounds like a good idea. You roll up your sleeves and you stroke your finger down the inside of your arm, feeling the bumps and ridges of all the angry red and white lines that mar your arm. You go to your bed and retrieve a shoe box from under it. You open the box and reveal your secret collection of blades, safety pins, and lighters. You've been collecting these ever since you started self harming. Sometimes Bro asks where something went and you just shrug. Admittedly you're a bit of a klepto but cant bring yourself to care. 

You select a box cutter and hold it in your hands. Feeling the weight just sitting there. You reach over and grab a klenex to mop up the blood. You set it aside. You sigh. You take the blade of the cutter to your wrist and gently, but firmly drag it across. Ahh yes. You repeat the motion. And again. Its addictive. The pulsing of the blood in your wrist. The fuzziness in your brain. The bubbles of blood peeping out from seperated skin. You wipe away the blood and apply pressure with the klenex. You just sit there and think. About your life. About your friends. About your family. How much they'd hate if they found out that you did this to yourself. You think about the lies you've told. It was just a nosebleed. I needed to sharpen a pencil. I had to go to the bathroom. You pull down your sleeve and hope your wrist stops bleeding. You reach for your phone. The message from John still sits there unanswered. You hope he never finds out. You know thats its pretty much inevitable but you cant help but hope. You lie down in bed. Waiting.


End file.
